Archetypical
by ESP
Summary: Mary Sues got you down? Sick of seeing terrible OOCness? Here's your fix: a series of parodies about archetypically bad stories, featuring an annoying authoress named Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa. Weird? Check it out.
1. Your Archetypical Mary Sue

Your Archetypical Mary Sue Story

Okay, minna, this is purely for fun. This is not an actual story.  So, this is not exactly a troll, because this isn't my story. This is me making fun of Mary Sues. 

I REPEAT. THIS IS NOT AN ACTUAL STORY. THIS IS A PARODY!!

Because of how annoying Mary-Sues can be, and the fact that I just read The History of Mary Sue by the lovely Hoshi the elf.  I was inspired. So this, my friends, is a nauseating display of one's typical stereotype Mary-Sue story:

A sickeningly perfect, over-described Mary Sue created in likeness of annoying fangirl authoress. Possibly girl from 21st century

Complete lack of spell check and/or plot and/or punctuation 

Disgusting character bashing 

Complete disregard for character's normal behavior (aka OOC-ness)

MS probably ends up marrying one, if not several of the local Bishonen (hot guys)

MS most likely has a power/ability

Kenshin style, of course!

**AND ONCE AGAIN, THIS IS NOT MY STORY!!!**

Well here goes. I hope it's at least a little bit funny. 

************

A Most Beautiful Girl Appears 

Hi evry1! This is my favorite fanficcie I have ever written, so I hope you guyz lyke it! 

-Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

One day Kenshin and Sano and Kaoru and Yahiko and Megumi were walking around the streets of Kyoto. Once again, Kaoru was hitting sumbody, and screaming her ugly head off. Kenshin shook his head becuz he thinks shes a stupid ugly sweaty little girl

"Ugly, stop hitting Yahiko" Kenshin snarled, going batthousai. Sano hit him on the head with his huge-@$$ sword and his eyes turned purple again. "thanks sano" he said, slapping sano on the back."really, Kaoru, Sir Ken has enogh to worry about besides you" kaoru scoweled. 

Just then, a beautiful striking and stunning young woman with golden blonde hair that went down to her ankles stepped out of the Akebeko. She was from the 2003, and got sucked into her TV while watching Ruroni Kenshin. Her golden blonde hair shimmerd in the sun, and her bright sparkling blue eyes looked way prettier than Kaoru's. She was the most beautiful creature in all Japan. And her body was well built, athletic and slender, and (Note From ESP: I can't go on you guys, im getting sick. If you want more descriptions, put some in the reviews) 

            Anyway, so this chick was perfect, graceful and all that. When she came out of the restaurant, Kenshin, Sano, Yahiko and Aoshi's mouths dropped open, because she was so stunning. "Hi. My name is Eliza."They stared at her, and she blushed prettily, her golden locks framed her face. Kaoru stormed off, and Megumi sauntered off.  

Megumi: I h8t her. She's prettier than me

Kaoru: Yeah. I h8t her two. 

Kenshin: Shut up.

Sano: I wonder if she likes me. 

            Just then, a robber came up to rob them. Kaoru ran away scared. Aoshi and Kenshin and Sano and Yahiko all took turns fighting him, but he was too strong So Eliza the stunning blonde wiped out her short swords and beat his butt in with graceful skillz, and did lots of flips. She also could fly, so she flies over to where the guys are standing, her beutiful hair and dress flew out behind her. Kenshin, Aoshi, Sano and ShiShiO all proposed to her at once she didn't know what to do, so she married all of them (ESP: except for Shishio?) and they lived happily eva after. Kaoru and Megumi and Miaso and Yumi all died. 

THE END!

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa:  Well whatddya think? R&R pleeze! Check out my other storyz. Tearz of beauty (also featuring Eliza!),  and A Songfic to Spice up your Life.

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So there you go. I hope you noticed the verb tense switch mid-sentence. And the run on sentences. And the horrible butchering of the Japanese spellings. And the horrible OOC-ness. And the sudden appearance of Aoshi and Shishio into the story. And I hope you appreciate this humor, because I feel rather sick after having written this. 

So there you have it. Your Archetypical Mary-Sue story. 

If you'd like to flame "Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa", please feel free. Just be sure to specify. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd tell me if you found it funny or entertaining. So click that button! 

ESP

And if you think I'm crazy, I blame the pudding pops.


	2. Your Archetypical OOC story

Your Archetypical OOC story

You all know what I'm talking about. A non-AU story with such OOCness, it's blasphemy. Honestly, I read some of these things and wonder to myself… were these people asleep while they watched the series?! I've seen lunatics write such mind-boggling, out of character Kenshins, Sanos, Kaorus, Yahikos, it…uh…boggles the mind. And then, other authors pull off the characters so well, I wonder if watsuki-sama himself told them what to write.  

I think, however, that this one will be ever so slightly more subtle than the first, only because I want to point out the _common _characterizing mistakes, not the absolute worst. So, the characters will vary in their OOCness, to show the 'archetypical' ones we see everyday, not the abhorrently obnoxious ones. However…the author stupidity remains. So, in a second chapter in parody of authors everywhere (myself included)…..

Your Archetypical OOC Story!                                     

Featuring…

Characters who don't act like themselves!

More bad spelling!

And all the other stuff the first one had. 

And more stuff. 

once again, for any stubborn people who failed to read my first few-thousand warnings..

**THIS IS NOT MY STORY! THIS IS A PARODY, OKAY? **

(note: NONE of this applies to parodies or humors. Those are off limits! I'm talking about serious fan fictions, THAT'S what this applies to.)

Another note: I would like to add that I believe that OC's can be done, if done correctly, (see anything done by Gypsy-chan, Dzeytoun, or Haku Baikou) but MS are just…annoying. I would also like to add, however, that even if you have written a MS, does not make you a terrible writer. As Lady-shiin pointed out to me, and I agree…MS are a phase that many writers go through, and later we can look back and laugh.

So, on with the OOC 'story'! I hope it's at least a little amusing. 

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TearZ of BeAuTy

By Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa 

A/N OMG! Omg! Kenshin and sano and Aoshi and Saitoh are so MINE, back off u hos! (ESP: thanks, Plum Pudding, for reminding me about the fangirl rantings) 

One bright day in the early morning, the rain patered down on the roof of the dojo. Just then, Kaoru woke up, and sprung out of bed to make breakfast. Since Kenshin was still sleeping, she maked it by herself. The horrible smell blew through the house, awakening those sleeping inside. 

            Just then, Sano walked in. He was so drunk from last night, the instant he came in, he barfed all over Kaoru. She got so mad, she pushed him out of the door and slammed the shougee shut. She then proceeded to wake up Yahiko and Kenshin for breakfast by yelling at them. Yahiko woke up with a start. "what is it, ugly?" "get out of bed, brat!" "your so ugly, Kaoru, you make everyone want to barf. Kenshin hates you, and we all hate your cooking!" "She ran away and cried, blubbering to herself. Yahiko laughed malishisly. 

              When Kenshin walked down the hallway, he heard Kaoru crying in her room. He poked his head in and said "Kaoru-dono, breakfast is ready.

            Her head perked up at the sight of him, and she went outside for breakfast, though she started crying everytime Yahiko called her ugly. 

            Then Megumi stopped by to visit. She came in, and sat on the porch. 

            "Oh, Megumi, sad that sano isn't here?' Kenshin asked

            "No! All I want is you, Kenshin! Ohohohoho!" She latched onto him. Kaoru ran away again, crying. 

            Just then, Sano pushed Kenshin to the floor. "Get your hands off fox" he growled, still hungover. 

            Suddenly, Kenshin went battousai. "Don't. Touch. Me" He growled, touching his reverse blade sword. Sano growled, back, and only Megumi stopped them from starting a fight.

            A funny squeak sound came from outside the dojo, and suddenly a funny looking creature appeared…

            "Weasel!" Cried Yahiko. He ran over to greet Misao and Aoshi. 

            "Hey, Yahiko! How ya doin?""Great. You?" "Just fine. But Aoshi hasn't talked in a while." "so?" "so hows Kenshin and Kaoru?" "well, Kaoru's probably off crying somewhere again." "Yeah."

            Yahiko suddenly turned to Aoshi. "Hi, icelce man." 

            Aoshi didn't say anything. 

            "Greetings, Aoshi-san." Kenshin added. He still didn't say anything. 

            Just then, a robber came up and tried to steal money from Misao. She backed away in fear shaking and hid behind Aoshi. "D-d-don't!" she cried out. Suddenly, Aoshi hit the robber on the head so hard, he collapsed, and gave Misao her wallet back. 

            "Thank you so much, Lord Aoshi! You saved my life!" She clung to him, still scared. He didn't say anything, or do anything. 

            What an iclecle. Said Yahiko. And everyone laughed, except for Kaoru, who was still crying, ShiShiO, who was dead, and Megumi, who was busy trying to undo Kenshin's pants and Sano who was beating up Kenshin and Kenshin who was going Batthousai. 

            Then, Sojiro walked in and smiled at all of them. "HI, everyone, its me! The smily kid! And he smiled and ran around really really fast and Misao had to choose between him and Aoshi, but it didn't matter because eliza came and married Soujiro.

            And Tomoe the ice queen bitch showed up, and took Aoshi away because they were perfect for eachother. Then suddenly…. Sylvia showes up and everybody falls in love with her, except sojiro, who married eliza and they were happy ever after. 

THE END!

Well, every1! I hoep you liked it, I worked relly hard on it. R&R pleeze? Review me! 

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

*******

 Whew! That one was much shorter, simply because it is easier to convey OOCness in a very short amount of time, and I felt there was no need to torture you guys more than necessary to get my point across.  Here, _in my opinion_, are the top most common and blatant mistakes when it comes too keeping the characters…in character. I would LOVE it if you guys would add your opinions on this.

Kaoru portrayed as a weak little snively girl. Kaoru is a strong, compassionate woman who, despite streaks of mostly playful temper, keeps a cool head when things go wrong. It just pains me when people slander her by making her such a whimpering mess, or a bawling, screaming nutcase. 

Yahiko as an ass. True, Yahiko and Kaoru tease one another relentlessly, but you must add in the slight touch of brotherly and sisterly bickering, not vicious attacks. Yahiko would NEVER do something intentionally to make Kaoru cry, because he is a nice kid with a full set of guts for bravery, brains for smarts and a huge heart. So don't ever make him such a jerk! (I've seen all too often)  

Kenshin shown so fickle, so prone to mood swings. Kenshin rarely, if EVER switches to his Battousai persona, and to evoke that without good reasoning…bad bad bad. Plus, he is more sensitive than a lot of people make him out to be, or a lot calmer than the idiot some make him. Kenshin is a deep, and internally conflicting person who supports and loves his makeshift family with fierce protectiveness. 

Sano as a drunk and raving lunatic. While he gives into his bad habits of gambling and drinking, Sano _never _lets himself go to a point where he can no longer control himself should the need arise. And he'd never ever fight with Kenshin over some trivial little thing. Sano is too strong, too kind of a person to do that, his touch exterior aside. I've seen some pretty mosterous Sano's and it makes me angry. 

Misao as a wimp. Any time Misao needs to be rescued from anything less than a HUGE THREAT makes me mad. Petty robbers, annoying pedophiles, dump thugs, mobsters, you name it, Misao conquers it. Of course, when rescue scenes are in order, kudos are given freely to those who can do them right. But remember... Misao would _never _hide behind someone. She's too strong and outgoing and brave! 

Tomoe as an ice queen bitch. Tomoe is a beautiful, graceful woman with such wonderful qualities of serene understanding… she was and continues to be an influential person in Kenshins life, and to write her off as a bitch…disgraceful. (K&K pride, here, you guys. But I still love Tomoe. Can't I like both? Is it a crime?) 

Megumi as a boyfriend-stealing hussy. Even if she teases, Megumi is a wonderfully kind, spirited and determined person who would never do something as low as…ug. Nevermind. And also, Megumi is much more tactful than a lot of people give her recognition for.  

Aoshi as a mute. Okay, so the guy is…introverted. But he DOES talk, people, give him some credit. Aoshi is just a deeply wounded person who needs time, maybe a looong time to heal. And even then, his inner force is just that…inner. But he is by no means completely mute. I've seen that all too much. (Aoshi's the guy I cant really get a handle on, so I'd like your guys' opinion on him, please!)

So there. My opinion and mockery of OOCs everywhere! I hope people will have fun catching inconsistencies, idiotic spellings and horrible grammar, and laugh. 

And if you think I'm completely insane… I blame the pudding pops, man. 


	3. Your Archetypical Stupid Summary

Your Archetypical Stupid Summary

Oh, wow, I have so many things I want to say, I don't know where to start. Help! Okay, number one…despite how badly they annoy me, if you write an OOC, MS or the like, it doesn't make you a bad author. It just means you need to work on coming up with creative ideas, articulating them better, gaining experience, etc. I myself have been known to OOC pretty shamefully, and I think most of us must confess to at least a little. It takes lots of practice and skill to hit the nail on the head where the complex, deep, and moving characters of RurouKen are concerned. Just so long as you put in effort, it's okay. 

In addition, an OOC can be done when used in parodies correctly. Also, AU's can be OOC in my opinion, but the most awesome way to do this is not to say 'to hell with it' and OOC the hell out of it. No, the best way to OOC in an AU is to just explore a new aspect of a character, to widen certain perspectives, to exaggerate certain qualities. You can find that your bad-ass Kenshin with a Ferrari is really exactly in character, IF (huge if) you can explore his psyche dexterously. 

Another thing, I'm so so so shamefully sorry... I bow down, touch my forehead to the ground. I HONESTLY did not mean to, in any way, name my disgraceful mock authoress after the amazing Chibi-angel. (It was probably a plot of Elisa's to get more fame, you know.)

All right, I'll save my opinion stuff for the end, where it is easier for bored people to skip it.

So, this episode will be devoted to (thanks to Plum Pudding, once again) the obnoxious, the horrible, the nauseating…

_STUPID SUMMARIES!!!_

_Everyone_ has a hard time condensing his or her summaries to a few sentences. I know I do! But you can put effort into it people! Don't you hate to see:

Broken spelling

Lunatic ranting

Fangirl gibberish

Self-demeaning begging

Pleas for reviews

Self-Advertising

Too much capitalization 

AND MORE!

Without further ado….Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa's SUMMARIES!!

**For anyone who hasn't caught on that this is a parody…. Never mind. I have no words for people that dense.**

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BrOkEn PeIcEZ (ESP- Yes, Linay gets ripped off way too much)

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY REED AND REVEW PLEASE! ITS AWESOM!

When the world revolves around u (ESP- So does Chiki) 

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: WHEN KENCHIN IS REELLY RICH HE IS A SNOB! Lol! Reed on, peeps!

ONE FINE DAY

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: I sux at summaries so bad! I'm so horrible! R&R NOW!

SongFIcs GALOR

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: Lol u guyz! This is my first try at songfics to be nice pleeze! 

Kenshin and BATTOUHSAI

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: well, I suck at summies, so u'll just have to read it! And btw, kenshins mine so bACK OFF HOS!! In this I make an appearance and marry battouhsai and Kenshin both! 

Miaso and AoSHI get it on

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: Well, da title speaks for itself, doncha tink? Lol ^-^    *-*      ^-~      ;_;       ^_^ He hee!

TearZ Of BeaUty

Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

Summary: This iz like totally the greatest ficcie eva!!!!!!!! Read it, its totally awesom!!! REED MY OTHER FIC, ONE FINE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

********

Number one: with no exceptions whatsoever, the CaPiTal SwItCh OfF StYlE is _the _most annoying thing created. It makes it impossible to read what you have written, and makes it impossible for anyone to look at your fic for one second without laughing. End of story

Number two: Ripping off titles from highly acclaimed authors is always a no-no. Sometimes, people get the same idea, and then name their stories similarly. It's understandable that you can't know the titles of all the fanfictions ever. But…to take such a famous piece as When the World Revolves Around You….gross.

Number three: Once again, the spell check, people. If you can't bother to spell things right in your summary, _nobody _will be looking inside to see if you bothered in your fic. Sorry. 

Number four: "I suck at summaries" Huge turn-off. If you suck at summaries, and then even say so…oh yeah, _tons _of people will want to read your fic. MM hmm. If you suck at summaries, don't waste space saying so. Just try your best!

Number five: "The title speaks for itself" this only occurs in very rare occasions when dealing with parodies and humors. Besides, even if the title _does _speak for itself, you can still add on a bit, sculpt the image your title projects. 

Number six: "Be nice please" This does not invoke pity, an even if it does, you don't want pity anyway. Begging people to be gentle with you does not command the kind of respect that you should seek out from your fellow fanfic authors.

Number seven: those faces ( ^-^ ) are cute…to an extent. When used to often or in the wrong places, the really grind the nerves. 

Ahh, I feel much better. I always do, after ranting for a good amount of time. 


	4. Your Archetypical High School AU

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**Your Archetypical High School AU**

Okay you guys, you know what I'm talking about here. I, for one, L-O-V-E, love AU's! Especially very inventive, adult, fresh ones. But this is the archetypical "Tokyo high" or "Kyoto high" high school RuroKen fanfic. The AU is a delicate subject to rant on, for me, because it can be done well, see Chiki's When the World Revolves Around You, and other masterpieces. Also, some of the qualities that will be listed here can be really quite funny, if done competently. 

So tread carefully here, my friends, because this is the tale of dreadful characterization, random stupidity, attempt at drama, tedium, and the like. These are the AU's that the dumpsters are filled with, people, and I want to help preserve the environment from more landfills. 

Oh yeah, and I have news…..I have finally collected enough barf bags so that I can write Soujiro in without ruining my carpeting. I love Sou so much, it hurts me to put him in these things, but he must, for maybe it will help others to understand him better, and learn not to take him for granted. 

THIS IS A PARODY, IF YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED, BAKA 

Today's Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa tale will be a revolting exhibition, featuring:

*Haphazard insertions that are not funny!

*Japanese schools that are suspiciously American! (thank you, merlock12) 

*Bland couplings!

*Irritating squabble scenes!

*Over-culturing!

*Anomalous transformations into fantasy crap!

*More character bashing!

*More MS placing!

*And other migraine provoking things!

So, with much research, and detail to get the wrongness exactly right, I present to you…

**Your Archetypical High School AU!!**

****

By the infamous PCAE 

************

Skool wit the KenShin gumee 

By Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

 AN? Hi hihi, you guyz! I just found out who this Sojiroh guy is, and of course I know all about EniSHi, and Saito. So they will be in this story, becuz they are kool. Oh yeah, and I wrote this in tne minues, so if you could point out my very few misteakes, id be happy. And I want to see ten reviews or more to continue this, so review, stupid people. Oh yeah, and Kenshin, Sano, Ashi, EniShi, Heko, Sojirou, Saito, and all of guyz are MINE, biznatch! 

On the frist day of skool, Kenshin and Kaoru and Megumi and Sano and Misao and Aoshi were sitting at their usual lunch table in the quad and eating lunch. "yo, what up, Kenshin?" sano asked as he sat down with them.  Aoshi was  quiet even tho Miaso was glomping onto him arm. He frowned and tried to shake her off, and Koaru laughed loudly. "hahaha, in the hizzy!"

Then Yahiko came up even tho he was two years younger he still had the same lunch period as them. "Hi, Busu, everyone. What up, dawg?" He greeted. Kaoru's face turned red, and she hit him with a bouken, and he had a big lump and called her a racoon and he called him a brat. Just then the lunch bell rang, and every1 headed to they're lockers. 

"Oh, Sanosuke!" Ohohohoho! Megumi fox ears popped up, and she and Sano started snogging in front of her locker. Just then, Saito the wolf of Mebu came up to them, and hit Sano on the shoulder. "No kissing in the halls," he said, because he was the principal, probably. He smoked his cig, and threw it in the trash as he walked away and gave them detention.

Watch out, we're going to be late! Kenshin called. They all ran to class, except ShiShiO.

Kenshin took Kaoru's hand, and they kissed. AN; this is AU, peeps, so Kenshin is OOC and much more gutsyer) When they got to their class, A101, Spanish, they sat next to eachother. The teacher was….Heko?

"Sheesho? What are you doing here? Asked kenShin . "I'm the sensai, now, baka student he said, drinking sakie. Kenshin shrugged, turned around to look at Misao, who also shrugged. 

They were writing notes to eachother in class and this is what they said:

Kenshin-

I love you

-Kaoru

Misao-

I love you, will you marry me?

-Aoshi

Aoshi-

Whaa? I thought you didn't talk!

-Misao

Aoshi: I don't talk, this is notes, not talking, and I love you marry me

Misao: ok

Sano: Meet you behind the gym after school

Megumi: make it lunch

Just then, ShiShiO walked in late, and the teacher got him in trouble. Heko was yelling at him,  but he just burst into flames and Yummi died with him. The class looked sad for like maybe…five minuets? But then everything was back to normal. They were talking about rock concerts and how the Juppongatana group lost their leaders. The TV shows were good these days, and they all were watching MTV all of the time. Kenshin was the captain of the kendoh team, and Aoshi, Sano, Uswee, Enishi, and Sojiroh where on it. Kaoru was the student council presedent, and Megumi was the vice, Misao was the secratary, and Yumi _used _to be the tresurer, but now she was dead. So Megumi and Miaso went looking for a new one. Miaso and Megumi were pretty, but Kaoru was ugly, and KenShin was trying to think of some way to dump her 

Just then, Eliza walked into the classroom, and everyone fell silent. She smiled, and her teeth shine in the light, her hair was glimmery and golden, so long it almost brushed the ground, though it was smooth and perfectly brushed. Her eyes sparkld, big, bright, round, blue, the prettiest eyes ever ever. Her slim build and long legs made the school uniform look stunning, and her lips curved perfectly, and she had a huge smile, more genkee than Miaso's and gracefuller than anyone else's. Everyone starred at her for a long time and the guys were checking her out, and all of the girls got jealous. She sat down next to Kenshin and his eyes bugged out. 

Then meumi said something: "Do you want to be the Student Council Tresurer?" Eliza shook her head. "no thank you. I should be the president!" and everyone agreed, they kicked Kaoru out on her stupid butt and made her the president. Just then, a boy with white hair and glasses challenged Kenshin to a duel for eliza's pure heart, and they fought feroshishly, but Kenshin one.

However, one by one, Aoshi, Sano, Chou, Anji, and even Heko and Sitto challenged Kenshin to a duel so they could have eliza. They all lost. Just then, a smiling boy ran real fast up to Kenshin, took his sword, and ran real fast away, because he was Sojiroh and all he ever did was smile and run real fast using his special heavenley sord

Just then, Tomo the ice bitch came and tried to steale Kenshin away, butt Elisa fought her with her magical crystal power in the gym, and her imperium silver crystal beat Tomo the ice queen. 

So Kenshin and Elisa went out, and they're lockers had lots of flowers on valimtines day. And Sogeeroh ran real fast, and Kaoru was all sweatie, and Yahiko was brat. And all of the teechers were random people from the show. 

~*^~%*~^~%OWaRy~*^~%*~^~%

Well, what d oyou think? I think it was one of my more better ones, and I want you to review. Also, check out my other stories: Miaso and AoSHI get it on, ONE FINE DAY and A Most Beautiful Girl Appears.

Plus, I want you guys to tell me what I should do next. I think that I want Sojiroh to go out wit Kaoru, but I dunno. And back off, hoes, the beeshonen are MINE!

*******

 WHEW! That was pretty awful. So, here are my thoughts on High School AU's:

They have to be original to be well done, because so many are like that specimen just witnessed. You have to have a new flavor, and new idea, or a new love triangle…. something innovative and inventive. These stereotypical, recurring stories get so monotonous and dumb.

Use a spellchecker, people, and put some effort into it. Make sure your nouns and verbs match, and that you end sentences with punctuation. It's not all that hard.

And the 'random people as teachers' is only funny if you put them in funny situations. And if you're going for the serious, put them in serious situations. It's no good just to stick names in and never follow up on it. If the teacher is Hiko, make him do something Hiko-like. If you've got Shishio as your sensei, make him bite someone (just kidding, but imotou-chan did it one time, and it was pretty freaking hilarious)

 And stuffing in as much 2003 terminology as possible is just tacky. People get the idea it's an AU, you don't have to say TV, rock concert, DVD player and Discman every chance you get. And "what up, dawg?" gets real old real fast. (and it's pretty lame the first time, anyway) Although it's pretty funny if you do it right, like making the TV brand called Sonata instead of Sony. (Thanks, Alice4) 

If the school is American, fine. But if it's Japanese, _make it Japanese. _Because in Japan, there are subtle differences, like the fact that the teachers move from class to class, not the students, or that the grade numbers are different, and they have special, respectful names for upperclassmen. Do a little research, and if you don't want to, make it America, piece of cake. 

All righty then, about Sou-chan. He is NOT some weirdo who goes around smiling all the time and running real fast. He's so much deeper than that, one of the most multifaceted characters in the entire anime. He has emotions, contrary to popular belief, and you have to convey that they're still there, even behind the mask, and you have to do it without being too obvious. And you cannot make Soujiro go around Shukuchi-ing all of the time.  It's not something he does at the drop of a hat. 

Okay, and making the characters go around in a huge pack. Sano, Megumi, Kenshin, Kaoru, Misao, Aoshi, Enishi, and Yahiko are not likely all to be in the same place at the same time. For help on figuring out how to do multiple plot lines and multiple characters in different scenes, see Istoria's **JIA Case Files. **That should help a lot, because she does the 'together, yet apart' thing brilliantly. 

And…yeah. Add your comments and opinions in reviews, as always. I love to read everyone's ideas, and so… yeah. Whether you agree with me on HS AU's is one thing, but drop me a review, want to hear from everybody, I love opinions. 

Okay! There was probably something else I wanted to say, but I forgot it now, so adios, muchachas! 

ESP


	5. Your Archetypical KenshinBattousai Split

Your Archetypical Kenshin/Battousai split 

            Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. Kenshin. And Battousai. In a drama. Separate people, or separate areas of consciousness, as if they were born at different times or something. Can anything _be _more annoying? 

             I think yes. 

            Kenshin 'turns' Battousai _instantly, _several times, for no good reason. (Once again, people, this only applies to fics attempting to be serious, parodies and humor off-limits) 

Would Kenshin's eyes turn 'yellow' (they're amber!) because Sano accidentally knocked him over? Would he have an argument with Battousai's spirit in his body because Yahiko lost his Shinai? NO on both counts my friends. Why do people do it? Let's watch and see, shall we?

            Today's episode of torture includes:

Kenshin and Battousai arguing!

And actually separate people!

Kenshin 'turning' Battousai at the drop of a hat!

Yellow eyes at every turn!

And…

More bad spelling/grammar!

Absolutely no plot!

Or proper dialogue!

More character bashing!

More MS placing!!

And the worst, most obnoxious A/N's you have EVER read!!!!

**THIS IS A PARODY!!!! **

            Delving into the grotesque mind of P. C. A. E. I give you…

**Your Archetypical Kenshin/Battousai split!!**

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Kenshin and BATTOUHSAI 

By PeRfeCt ChiBi AnGeL EliSA

A/N Hey, wazzzzzup, my peeps! I'm SOOOO happy with ALL of the RevIEWS I'm getting! Who knew id be so popular! I hit the 4000 mark today!! Woo hoo! But you have to review this one too, or else I won't write n e more, bihatchs! And don't forget to lay off the hot bee shiiis, you hos. Their mine!!waaaai! ^-^

Kenshin and battouhsai were doing the laundry, only they are stucked in the same body!!!! Then kaoru walked out, and Kenshin though 'oh, I should go get the tofu and battouhsai thought she's so ugly, lets kill her!! They got in an argument and ended up punching eachother! Then kaoru wiped them in the head with her stupid wood sword thing and said 

KENSHIN GET BACK TO WORK really loud and it hurt everyone's ears.  

This made him even madder, so he went superbattosai, and his eyes turned golden, and he chopped off her head becuz he flipped his revers blade sword around. When she dies, Yahiko cheered. Then kensHin returnd to noramal and said ORO, and thought to  battosai  why'd you do that, you shouldn't have killed her!

Then they both shrugged. 

When sano came back, the ruroni side and the batosai side were stopped arguing, and they was doing the laundry. 'hi sano said ruroni. Stupid rooster said batosai. Sano just shrugged and said hi batosai and ruroni. Hi Kenshin.

Then the birds started singing and a shaft of sunlight beamed down upon the entrance of the dojo, where a beautiful girl stood. Her ankle length blonde hair glistened in the sun, and her long eyelashes brushed her sparkling cheeks. She was so beautiful, Battousai wanted to go and kiss her, and ruroni actually did too. Kenshin ran and opened the gate and said 'hi eliza, you are so beautiful, so much more beatufil than stupid koaru, will you marry me? 

Then eliza said in her melodious voice 'yes I will, koishi." Then Battousai took over and his eyes turned yellow and he said "come to bed with me' and then she giggled and went with him, and sano was left staring jealously. 

The next morning…..

Elisa woke up to the sun on her face and a warm lump next to her. She sighed happily and shook Kenshin awake. His eyes were purple again, and he looked around and said 'oro'? 

Then he turned bright red and ran away to do the laundry. 

That was fun! Said abttousai

How embarrassing said the rurouni

Im glad we're getting married said Kenshin

Then when they were walking to the market, a thug grabbed eliza and tried to take her away. His breath smelled like alcohol. Eliza screamed "help kenshin! Save me!!" tears dropped to the ground. Kenshin whipped out his reverse blade sword. ' don't touch my woman' he growled. The thug laughed and said "whats a shrimp like you gonna do to me"? then Kenshin turned inot batosai and killed him easily. haha

At the wedding, everyone came including heko, Yahiko, the ice bitch tomo (who was jealous of eliza and died) sojiro, miaso, Aoshi, sano, Megami, and even yummi came. All of the guys (Aoshi sano sojiro and Enishi) were jealous of Kenshin//Battousai. 

Sojiro: I wnt 2 marry her 2!

Misao: y dont u marry me?

Aoshi: cuz ur my wife.

Misao: oh yeah lolz

Enishi: I wish tomo didn't die of jalousy. Oh well

Heko: go stupid apprentice!

Megami: I wish I was as pretty as eliza is. No one else is!

Sano: we'll ur good enuff for me ::kisses her:: 

Chou: why am I here?

When they got married, the pink Sakura flowers blew all around and eliza looked radiant in a pink silk kimono a with light blue patterns of Sakura on the hem, her shinny blond hair flowing frelly around her and Kenshin, and Her Prussian blue Eyes sparkld prettly on the slight pink of her checks. Then after they exchanged rings, they ran back to the dojo and shut she sougi Then everybody laughed,and went home, because they saw how kenshins eyes were yellow. 

!@#$%^&*(THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #$%^&*(

A/n: I hope everyone liked it!!  Lolz!!! Hahahahahahahah! ^-^. Review me or die! Im not above begging!!!!!! You suck, I rule!! Hahahahah lolz. Jk. 

***

Please excuse me while I empty my stomach of this week's contents. 

            Doesn't anyone know that Kenshin and Battousai are NOT SEPARATE PEOPLE? They're just not. Battousai isn't an individual entity, and the Rurouni isn't a person living in his head. The hitokiri and rurouni are part of Kenshin's soul, who he is. I really hate it when people make it seem like they're two people sharing one body. It's all Kenshin, ladies. (and gentlemen.)

            And another thing: Kenshin's eyes don't turn amber at every little nuisance, if you hadn't noticed. (parodies and humor are the exception to these rules, as usual) It takes something MAJOR for him to let go of the rein on his inner demon; no stupid thug will do it, no sir. And I've always hated the damsel in distress bit, anyway.

            Yeah, again with the spell check and grammar check. And 'lolz' is possibly THE most annoying word anyone has every come up with. Please, for our sanity's sake, don't use it people. (What's it supposed to stand for, anyhow? Laugh Out Loud Z….ebra? Zest? Zealand? Zymogene?) 

            Screenplay format is usually NOT a good way to go. Besides, going like this:

Mr. Smith: blah blah

Mrs. Smith: blah blah

isn't screenplay format ANYWAY. I know, my dad's a screenplay writer. For drama or any serious genre, please stick to true story formatting. 

Don't forget the usual suspects: don't character bash, don't MS, have some plot, use paragraphs, don't be OOC, don't be too cliché, etc. We've been over these things, people. Show some effort in those fics!! 

            Oh yeah, I'd just like to note frothing KK fans and frothing KT fans alike: don't bash each other! Tomoe is not an ice bitch, (she's the most heroic character in the series) Kaoru is not an immature brat, (she's built a family in her dojo, after all) and you do not have to fight over it! Instead of flaming because you don't like Tomoe, or someone bashed Tomoe, let's concentrate on flaming OOCness and retarted people like PCAE. If we band together, we can bash them into oblivion! 

Hn… I can't think of anything more to lecture on, so see you later. ::walks away. Overhead projector is still on::

ESP

P.S  I _am _above begging for reviews, thankyouverymuch. Couldn't hurt if you did, though. I love to see you're guys' opinions and what not.

P.P.S I recommend reading _Against a Sea of Troubles _by Haku Baikou for an _excellent _example of managing Kenhsin's personality. I just love Haku Baikou. She's amazing! 


	6. Your Archetypical Sappy Songfic

AN:

I'm so sorry I've been so dormant for the past few months, I was seriously lacking inspiration. :::Points to Muse, where she is scotch taped to the inside of the microwave::: I guess you could say this is a _good _thing, considering I'm inspired by terrible fanfiction. And I just hope that maybe, in some small way, my scathing, frothing parody is helping make the RK fandom a better place. I can dream, can't I?

I also want to add, (thanks to some people for reminding me) that just because you may do some of the things I complain about here… (cough cough _I know I do _cough cough) well, that doesn't make you a bad author. Everybody goes through stages and phases in their fanfiction careers, everybody makes mistakes, everybody grows and develops. It's okay, that doesn't mean you suck, I promise. As long as you put in effort, and are always looking for ways to improve the way you write and to expand your knowledge, that's what counts. And spell checking. Because really, there's no excuse.

Anyway. Onward with the next subject, which was really a bit half-baked, but I felt, for better or worse, I should squeeze out another chapter, as promised.

**Your Archetypical Sappy Songfic**

Okay, guys, I know what you're thinking. What's wrong with songfics? Absolutely nothing, I like 'em a lot of the time. But recently I've been reading some real _crap _out there. You know: people just paste their favorite song's lyrics into a disjointed one-shot and claim it's art. I see it all the time, and I figured it's time I spoke out. (Thanks to Angrybee for suggesting it)

Here it is folks, pull out your barf bags, because this will be one nauseating ride.

Reminder for the terminally stupid: THIS IS A PARODY!!!!

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SongFIcs GALOR

By Perfect Chibi Angel Elisa

A/N: Lyk, ok.- Here's my first time tryin out SONGficcies, but I totally wanted to do something because I LUV THIS SONG AND I LUV KENCHIN!!! -x Btw, avril lavign rules, blink182 rules, hilary duff rules, and beatles sucks!

Early mornin' she waykes up

_eliza__ opens her eyez and blinks in the sunlite beaming down on her beutiful face._

Nok nok nok on her door

_sum1 pounds on the door. hurry, stoopid!' its her hitokeery trainer. She was realy good at it. _

iz time for makup. purfect smile I'ts you their all watin 4

_her__ purfect face becums even more sparkling when she applyes her light makup, just mascara, eyeliner, foundation, and eyeshadow_

its you their all waiting for they go isn't she lovely that hollywood gurl

_eliza__ is singing and dansing for and odiense they thru monies and flours at her _

but she cry cry crys in her lonly hart thinkin

if theres nothing, mising in my life then why do these tears cum nite?

_crieng in her bed and she was so sad and bautiful and the moon was cring wit her. Her life was sooo bad, becuz people abused her! _

If u wanna b my luver, u gotta get wit my friends! Make it last fereva, frendship never ends!

_Eliza n' misoa and megami r all walkin together to the market and they all look beutiful, even tho wit her blond, anklelength hair and shinning blu eyez that were lyke the ocean and the sky put together, and her perfect, flawless skin with only a few freckles, eliza was the most beutiful. _

If u wanna b my lover, u gotta get wit my friends!

_Just then oashi, sojiro, Kenshin, and sano walk up. Misoa and Megumi went to Aoshi and sano, and sojiro and Kenshin drooled at eliza.even tho Aoshi and sano thought that she wuz prettier, they liked there girls. Then the cuples walked of together, kissin'. _

_The END!!!_

_epilog_

_eliza__ wached the rain drops run down teh window, as tearz ran down her beautiful checks. _

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Need I say more? Song fics can be really, really good, or really really not. (more often than not, sadly, it's the latter) Nothing's worse than seeing your favorite characters angst and mope in very clichéd ways to some badly written punk-rock-pop wannabe song. I shudder at the thought.

Please, I beg of you. When writing songfics, MAKE IT ORIGINAL. It's the only way they're any good, I swear to you. Other than that, I have no guidelines, because songfics range so widely.

Much love always,

your condescending, snarky Bitch-Critic

Note:

I would like to make an additional disclaimer right now: Think of this series as more of a what NOT to do than a what TO do, because no one can tell you how to write. Everything in the world is subjective. These here are my opinions, not absolute truths.

There is only one absolute truth:

Soujiro Seta no Tenken is a sexy beast.

ESP


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